Scene: It is afternoon and the sun is beginning to set. The light starts to fade as dusk nears. Goneril and Edmund converse quietly in Albany’s back yard.
Goneril: Thanks for showing up Edmund. At least I can depend on you, unlike that awful husband of mine.
[Enter Oswald.]
Where is that deadbeat anyway?
Oswald: He’s pissed off and being lazy. I told him you were coming and he seemed pretty upset. I explained that the repo men were coming for his stuff and he simply said, “The lesser of the two evils.” I told him about Gloucester warning your dad and he called me an idiot! Lear’s getting help from Dover… it’s going to hurt our plans. It seems like he is pleased by bad news, and saddened by good.
Goneril: [To Edmund.] Oh god. Edmund, you’re going to have to take off for a bit. My husband is a damn coward, and he’s becoming useless. He abandons his responsibilities and I’m tired of it. Oh Edmund, maybe we can be together soon. Take this gold locket as a symbol of our love, and also so the repo men don’t take it. Well, I need you to warn Cornwall about these repo guys, he’ll take care of them. And maybe you could take care of that deadbeat Albany, if you know what I mean. Come kiss me honey, and think about this stuff on your way there ok?
Close-up on Goneril as she flings her arms around Edmund. They share a brief kiss.
Edmund: You bet baby!
[Exit Edmund.]
Goneril: What a great guy, unlike that rat Albany. All that fool cares about are my good looks!
Oswald: Uh oh, here he comes now.
[Enter Albany. He is disgruntled and marches ahead in anger.]
Goneril: Is it just me, or did it just get a lot more ignorant in here?
Close-up on Albany’s reaction, which is that of utter contempt.
Albany: Listen here, you witch! You’re not worth the stinking lint from a vacuum bag. You’re atrocious. I can’t believe how awful you turned out, considering what a good man your dad was. If a family tree was responsible for how you turned out, I’d say you got whacked with the ugly stick!
Goneril: Oh shut up with that nonsense.
Albany: You only care about yourself. You’re wicked and you can’t appreciate nice things or common sense. If it hadn’t of been for your reckless behavior we might not be getting out things taken away like this! What have you done to support us? Tell me, what have you and your selfish sister done besides cause problems? You turned your own father into a nutcase, just the other day I heard he had garden plants on his head! Just wait until I call my lawyers, they’ll bring you to justice. I’ll tell them about all your connivery. If you continue this madness the whole world’s going to hell in a hand basket.
Goneril: Oh come off it you coward! You’re weak, and you never make smart decisions. You never think ahead and I have to do all the planning for everything. How can you feel bad for my father? He’s a fool, and so are you or supporting him. Now the repo men are coming and where’s your courage? You’re just going to sit here and cry about everything, what a fool.
Albany clenches his fists in anger, breathing heavily.
Albany: Look in the mirror darling! You’re betraying me like an evil backstabber would. I can see that a woman’s true nature comes to light when things get rough.
Goneril: You sexist pig!
Goneril slaps Albany across the face.
Albany: All you do is hide behind your insecurities, I pity you! If I’m not careful you might turn into the monstrous medusa herself! It’s a good thing I’m such a gentleman, or else you’d have a lot more to worry about than losing possessions…
Goneril: Hah! You’re not man enough to even try! What a child you are.
[Enter Random Man.]
Albany: What the hell, what do you want?
Random Man: Sorry for interrupting like this, but something horrible has happened. I was sent by one of your friends to tell you that your brother-in-law is dead! He was killed for assaulting Gloucester. He cut out the guy’s eyes, man, and the killer was just a regular person who got really upset about it.
Albany: This may sound frank but I don’t care much for Cornwall anyway. What happened, he cut out his eyes? That’s pretty out of the ordinary.
Random Man: Yeah I wasn’t there first hand but I was pretty surprised to hear about it. Anyway, the guy comes up after Gloucester starts getting gouged by Cornwall and stabs Cornwall by surprise. I guess he was a friend of Gloucester and just couldn’t bear to see his friend getting mauled like that, but he got killed in the process too. You know how it is on the streets.
Albany lowers his head, shaking it in dismay.
Albany: Damn, I guess that’s karma. Poor Gloucester! Did the guy cut out both his eyes, Kill Bill style?
Random Man: I’m afraid so, it was pretty nasty. I got a text-message for you Goneril; it’s from your sis. I think it’s urgent.
Random Man hands Goneril his cell-phone.
Goneril: [Aside.] With Cornwall out of the way, that wench better not hit on my Edmund. I might have to put up with this deadbeat forever!
[Exit.]
Albany: Don’t tell me his son saw it all happen.
Random Man: I thought he was with Goneril.
Albany: Well, he’s not here.
Random Man: Oh yeah, I saw him on his way over to Regan’s.
Albany: Does he know what went on?
Random Man: He does. He dissociated himself with them which leads me to believe he was definitely involved with it also.
Albany: Gloucester always supported Lear, what a great guy. Tell me more about what you know; perhaps we can take care of these guys. Plus, we still got these damn repo dudes to worry about.
[Exeunt.]
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