Sound good so far? Great! I knew you’d be a good sport about
it, honestly. All of our test subjects are required to pass a physical and
mental examination before proceeding to this point anyhow, so don’t worry if
you don’t pass, there’ll be plenty of opportunities for you in the salt furnace
or the sludge mines. They’re always seeking eager young underachievers such as you.
Oops! I didn’t mean that. We hold all our test subjects in the highest esteem
possible.
The question we’re really asking is how much control does he really have? Well, let’s solve this thing!
The solution we’re looking for might seem like a bit of a crapshoot at first,
but rest assured that one does exist, and once all the bugs and kinks are
sorted out, everything will probably run fine. And I use the term ‘probably’
with the most delicate precision that science can afford. First of all, think
of your brain as an outlet for motivation to which the cord of influence connects. Got it? Great! When connected, a signal of pure influence (sources vary), is fed
through and divided along some complex pathways of criteria. All criteria of
each pathway are broken down into a list-like hierarchy of relevant social
patterns tied primarily to speech, action, and a few basic motor functions.
Some motor functions are like a gas-sucking 18 cylinder behemoth, and others
are like a puny lawn-mower engine that makes an annoying whining sound as it revs
to life. If your influence is balanced, you might be lucky enough to receive a
Bat Mobile or a DeLorean DMC-12 of influence, causing the motivation outlet to
sprout sparks of happiness. If not, this interface is guillotined by blue vortex
that dismembers and ejects relevance from the subconscious, dumping the remains
wherever the hell it wants to dump it. Kinda like a goddamn garburator or trash
compactor run in reverse (very messy!).
Are you with me so far? Good, we’ve almost got it!
A signal impedance is caused by an overhanging bed of
crystallized daggers bolted to a ceiling of pure methane. Just kidding, you can’t
bolt things to a gas! Just checking to see if you’re awake. Anyhow, don’t worry
about the daggers, they’re just for show. Ignore them. If they fall on you and
tear your feeble body into a million unrecognizable pieces, that means they’re
working as intended. But don’t worry, you’ll be reassembled at the organ dump,
ready to face the next challenge in no time flat! You might think that being
diced up sounds a bit uncomfortable, but in reality, it’s not so bad after the
second or third time. Just think of it as a friendly game of snakes and ladders
gone horribly wrong, where everything gets puréed into an organic soup of nothingness. That’s where chicken-nuggets come from, in
case you were wondering. Learning is fun, right? Well, it might not be as fun
once your learning modules are stripped and retrofitted with potato batteries.
But if you’re lucky enough to survive the chicken-nugget stage, you might be
rewarded in the form of personal growth and human experience! Just don’t get
greedy, or your life-essence might get consumed by a sea of countless billions
high on bath-salts, like that guy in Miami who got his face eaten off. And
phase 1.1 gets exponentially more challenging, depending on the strength of his
grip. I hope you brought a motherfucking crowbar!
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