The Collector

 Hello again! If you don't wake up now, I'll keep prodding you with electricity until you do!

So I just got the results of our last test in, and I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you passed! Way to go, kiddo, way to stick it to the man. You’re one of the few test subjects to make it through the first phase with most of your limbs intact. The bad news is that your sanity was removed and backed up onto a scratch-disk. We did this so your brain wouldn't explode during some of the mental tests, and we’re not sure it was properly re-installed afterword. If you start to feel psychotic and/or delusional, don’t worry, our engineering team is working on a hotfix for that as we speak. Just stay calm and try not to think of anything crazy. So far so good? Excellent. We’ll have you running good and proper once we replace your deleted memories with filler images from our stock warehouse. I hope you like pictures of supermarket food, because that’s all we could find. Anyways, back to business.

Phase 2 is a little more challenging, and by a little, I mean that it’s probably going to kill you. By probably, I mean that everything should be fine. Catch my drift? Nobody said this was going to be easy, but you knew this before signing up. But look on the bright side: in the event of a fatal mishap, we’ll harvest your organs for the benefit of science. Your lacerated innards could help save millions! And if that wasn’t enough, your unused remains will be vacuum-sealed, frozen, and ready to be processed into the same biofuel that covers our electric bill. Everybody loves recycling, and we firmly believe that nothing should go to waste around here, so if that doesn’t put a smile on your face, maybe a hologram of someone who loves you will do the trick.

Oh? What do you mean we couldn’t afford holograms? Who the hell cut the holograms out of the budget? Fire that man, immediately. Use his recycled salary to buy more holograms!

Sorry kid, no holograms today. Maybe never. You’re just going to have to use your imagination. On second thought, your imagination is still being reconstructed, so if you try to use it, your brain might melt. Here, have an ice-cream instead.

People, people, people. Always people. You know, one of the reasons we’re conducting these experiments is to explore the fun effects of isolation, possibly the most misunderstood part of the whole bit. You see, the less human contact you have, the more useful you are at being a subordinate test subject. It’s also important that all hints of rebelliousness are ironed out before we continue. If not, you might get a glimpse of what’s on the other side of the wall. Did I mention a wall? Well, forget I said anything. Let’s get on with the science! As I said before, phase 2 is a killer. You’ll need safety fallbacks that we call comfort vats. These vats are filled with a serum that counteracts curiosity and willpower. What some call detachment from reality, we call progress. Are you with me sofar? Wonderful. Like I said, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Honestly. Just place your skull against the safety drill and we’ll begin the safety penetration. Please don’t move during the insertion. If your heart happens to explode due to shock, don’t panic, because we’ve got backup hearts. Just don’t abuse the backup-heart policy, it’s not fair to the other subjects.

Anyhow, a flock of pencil pushers just told me that if we don't start the test now, your family will be exterminated. Nothing I can do about it. Has something to do with a wireless DNA link or something, so I won't waste your time any longer. Let the games begin!

Oh, and don't spoil the tests for anyone else. They can only handle so much at once and we don't want to overload their systems. We've already got enough potato batteries as it is.